Milky Holmes OVA Review

OPEN DAMN YOU!

I've been putting this off for over a month now, but I finally forced myself to watch the Milky Holmes OVA. The sound you just heard was the sound of my soul dying. Let me grab some aspirin then we can get started.

Now that I've taken my crazy pills let's get started on this... Fuck, my headache is coming back.

Arsene and Sherlock

For those of you fortunate enough to miss out on Milky Holmes, the "plot," a term I use in the loosest possible way imaginable, is about the four girls, Sherlock, Cordelia, Nero, and Herc who form the once great and powerful detective team known as Milky Holmes.While fighting there foes the Gentlemen Thieves, a team consisting of Arsene, Stone River, Twenty and Rat, a freak lightening bolt strikes our heroes and they lose there powers, called "Toys," and the group searches for a way to get their Toys back. Well in theory. The show mostly consist of Milky Holmes running around being mentally handicapped and not doing a damn thing to get their powers back. Not that anything the series was actually about has anything to do with the OVA's story.

Kokoro for 90% of the time she's on screen

The OVA focuses on one character from another group in the show called G4, who are the police women who have been in charge of fighting crime since Milky Holmes became completely useless. Now, the only member of this group the show gives any actual screen time to is the leader of the group, Kokoro, a snotty little bitch who's constantly trying to prove she's better than everyone and I'd say she's the least likable person in the entire show. By now, you've probably put two and two together to figure out that Kokoro is the main focus of the OVA. Yes, let's spend extra time with the bitchiest character in the entire damn show, cause we've gotta appeal to that growing Tsundere crowd.

Irene aka pointless character 2930

Oh and one last bit of necessary backstory before we get to this OVA's There was an episode with a little girl named Irene. Long story short, she's a rich little girl who's father is constantly going bankrupt and has a fascination with Kokoro. She's weird, but she only shows up in like two or three episodes, so she comes off as just another one of the show's countless annoyances, but does nothing to stand out.

ANYHOW THE OVA ITSELF...

"OUR OPENING IS AWESOME!"

It starts with the other members of G4, fighting a bunch of men in a courtyard saying the hostage is inside the building. Once inside, they are greeted by Milky Holmes of all people who say they're here to watch the show. Que Kokoro dressed in a cuties outfit signing the Milky Holmes Theme Song, much to Irene's amusement. They go through the entire song. Which wouldn't be so bad, if they hadn't of played the opening itself 30 seconds pier. YES, WE GET IT! YOUR THEME SONG IS FAR MORE CATCHY THAN IT SHOULD BE! CAN WE PLEASE GET TO THE EPISODE ITSELF NOW! What makes this so much worse is that Milky Holmes themsevles are signing along and dancing to their own freaking theme song. As if they themsevles don't know how annoying and bubbly their opening is and their hearing it for the first time.

She's not even that good to be honest.

When the song is over, Irene states she kidnapped Kokoro once again to test her singing abilities. As for why, her father as, once again gone bankrupt. They explain why and it has to do with one of the previous episodes so I won't bother you with it. Irene plans to turn Kokoro into a pop idol and for her and her father to be Kokoro's producers and get a bunch of cash from her record sells. I kinda figured it would only be a matter of time before Milky Holmes got into the whole entire, "WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU A POP STAR" story, but thought it was going to be with the actual characters, NOT THE FREAKING SIDE CHARACTER NO ONE LIKES! Oh, excuse me, that would imply people actually liked this show in the first place.

Kokoro says her first and only duty is being a police officer and because everyone in this wacko fantasy land is mentally baked out of their minds, they say Kokoro should in go ahead and become a pop idol, since its always been her dream. Which it isn't. Its the joke. Get it? Funny right? No? Moving on.

Yes, cause only white people can get into Harvard. And yes, that is Harvard in the background.

When Kokoro goes on yet another one of her long winded, "I'm smarter than everyone else" speech, she shares this little bit of info. Her IQ is 130. Reader, I can't tell you how hard I laughed at this statement. Cause: 1. Kokoro is constantly being outsmarted by Sherlock, who has the intelligence of a bag of rocks. 2. Scoring 130 on an IQ test is only above average and its nothing to brag. (I scored 124 on mine, so take that into consideration) 3. The only person who shows any sort of ability to hold some type of mental thought is Arsene, while everyone else is only slightly above Sherlock in intelligence and saying your IQ is 130, is possibly the biggest insult to smart people.

"DO SOMETHING YOU LAZY BITCH!"

So Kokoro becomes a pop star, and Milky Holmes just watches her from the sidelines. During the little montage, Arsene, in her school uniform, talks to Sherlock, who claims that watching Kokoro achieve her dreams is fun and she's happy for her. This understandably insanely pisses Arsene off.

See Arsene is possibly the only character in the show who has any form of actual character. She's the type of person who enjoys the trill of the chase. She enjoys fighting Milky Holmes more than actually stealing rare objects and since Milky Holmes has become useless, she spends a majority of her time twittling her thumbs waiting for Sherlock and the others to get their powers back and whenever she sees the team slacking off, like they are here, she gets pissed and does something extreme, which leads to the next scene.

During a giant concert, the Gentlemen Thieves steal a statue from the stadium's courtyard. The remaining members of G4 and the powerless Milky Holmes, try their best to fight against Arsene, but they lose horribly. Watching this fight scene I'm reminded of a certain sketch from Freakazoid. Namely this one...

60% of the fight scenes

Replace the dinosaur with Arsene and Heroboy with Sherlock and you have seen the fight scene in this OVA. Not joking, its mostly Sherlock running up to Arsene with her arms flailing in the air and Arsene just slapping her aside with her backhand. Repeat for five minutes and your got your fight scene.

Yay... I guess...

Cut to the end. Kokoro comes to terms that her true profession is being a police officer. She joins the fight in mid-concert and instead of changing the tide of battle, the Gentlemen Thieves get away with the statue. So yeah, our episode's hero makes a comeback, but instead of not doing anything, it actually switches the battle's favor to Arsene's side. Yeah, you made both teams worse by rejoining them Kokoro, good job.

I FUCKING HATE YOU! -Hitch

Before the episode ends, MORI ARTY makes another appearance and does very little but tease us as to what's going to happen in the second season. I still hate that pun. I wanna find the guy who came up with that name, chop his balls off and make him eat them. That or force him to watch his own show, either method is just as painful.

So the episode ends with everything going back to the status quo. Kokoro is still a member of G4, Irene's father goes back into bankruptcy again cause the records didn't do well over seas, Milky Holmes is still extremely useless and makes no effort to get their powers back, and the Gentleman Thieve still feel like they should be in a different show with heroes who'll actually fight them.

WE DID NOTHING! GO TEAM!

So final thoughts... I was expecting one of two things, but I didn't get either of them. 1. I was expecting an answer for why Milky Holmes keeps making cameos in Cardfight Vanguard. 2. I was expecting this to be a hell of a lot more stupid. This OVA at least had fight scenes in it. Very pathetic fight scenes, but its rare to see anyone in this show engage in actual combat. While I'm confused about why this whole entire special was about a pointless side character, it was probably better than watching our heroes make complete and total asses out of themsevles. This could of been a lot worse, considering there have been far bigger facepalm moments in this series. But at the same time, I still wish this show would do as it was advertised to do. Four cute moe school girls solving mysteries with superpowers. That's all this needs to be, not some run of the mill comedy show. I think what hurts the most is that the villains in this show are very likable and even have moments where they are kinda cool, but they don't have anyone to fight them and it feels like a waste of four good characters.

Oh well. Now I just have to brace myself for the second season when January rolls around. Hahahaha -hangs self-